Compost/Script
Opening Sequence :Jake: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir. :Amir: Be the change you want to be! :Jake: Not smart. :Amir: Okay. Episode :and Amir are at their desks. Jake has just finished eating a banana. Amir is holding a compost bin under his arm. As Jake goes to throw away the peel, Amir stops him. :Amir: in a singsong tone, gesturing at the bin Aaah! Aa-aah, in the compost bin! :Jake: Why is there a compost bin-- :Amir: "What's My Name", flipping open the lid of the bin Banana! What's my name? Banana! What's my name? :Jake: Smells really, really bad. :Amir: singing "Oh Nana" and flipping the lid as if the bin is singing Banana! :Jake: Could you please stop? :Amir: singing When you keep shakin' that oh! Oh! :Jake: reacting to the smell as Amir opens the lid Oh! Oh! :Amir: laughs Mustard on the beat. :Jake: What are you doing right now? :Amir: I want to make soil. Yeah, so I throw away old food and shit in here, and then maggots and larvae get into it, right, and then they eat it, and they turn the mush into wet dirt. :Jake: Can you please close the lid? Alright? Why compost? Why now? :Amir: I have my affairs in order. I figure my life's on the right track, so why not pick up a hobby? :Jake: Yeah? You think your affairs are in order? You don't brush your teeth. :mock-cries as Jake talks. :Jake: We were on the elevator last week and one of your-- one of your canines just fell out onto the floor. That shouldn't happen. :Amir: I flossed in the autumn! :Jake: You didn't pick it up, either. You just left it on the ground. :Amir: grinning For the tooth fairy! :Jake: I guess you got a veneer later? :Amir: Yeah. :Jake: Tell you what, what did you have for breakfast? :Amir: Seeds. :Jake: What's twelve minus three? :pauses, clearly taken aback. After struggling mentally for a while, he answers. :Amir: ...Gid. :Jake: Gid? :Amir: Gid. Gid! :Jake: Gid? Gid. :Amir: Gid! :Jake: That's the final answer? :Amir: Gid! :Jake: Twelve minus three. You want to say gid? :Amir: G, I, D. :Jake: the same time D. Perfect. You're wrong. Alright, so guess what? You're losing your adult teeth... :smiles quickly. :Jake: ...you eat like, and kind of resemble, a squirrel. :is gnawing on an acorn. :Jake: Kind of really resemble a squirrel. I mean, that's an acorn. And when I ask you a simple math question, you reply with a noise. Not a number, and not a word. :Amir: Gid is a word. :Jake: It's, of course, not a word. :Amir: Wanna bet? :Jake: Sure, yeah. Let's bet. If gid's not a word, you get rid of the compost bin. :Amir: And if it is a word, then I keep the compost, and you eat what's inside! :Jake: Sounds great. :does an internet search. Amir watches expectantly. :Jake: bitterly ...Get back to work. Jackass. :Amir: Is it a word? :Jake: Yes it is. Congrats, dummy. You've accidentally stumbled upon a word. :Amir: Then you have to eat my compost. :Jake: No, I don't. I'm not gonna eat what's in that disgusting bin. :Amir: We made a bet! :Jake: Sorry about that, man. But I'll tell you what, hey, if you're upset, you can suck it! :Amir: ...What? :stands up and does the crotch chop taunt. :Jake: Suck it. :Amir: Murph! :Jake: No, no n-n-n-no! Come on, dude! Please! I don't want to be afraid today. It's my aunt's birthday. :Murph: from under Jake's desk What's goin' on, fellas? :Jake: prematurely Aaah! Ow! Aa-- ah. Hey, man! up a peace sign What's up, man? :Murph: A lot is up. Amir said you reneged on a bet. :Jake: How do you know so fast? :Murph: Because we're tight. :nods. :Murph: What was the bet, Jake? :Jake: Honestly, it wasn't even a bet. It was just a-- we were just having a funny conversation. Alright? That was it. And if you'll leave me alone, I won't be afraid. My aunt's birthday is today, she's turning fifty-one, we have a nice little-- :Murph: yelling What-- :jumps, and shakes in fear. :Murph: ...was the bet, Jake? :Amir: He bet me gid wasn't a word, and it is a word. :Murph: Of course gid is a word. It's a disease found in sheep. :Jake: Okay, fair enough. But he's making compost at the office. Alright? He's keeping filthy, weird, smelly soil here at work, and that's not okay, so... so I have an idea: why don't we team up? Me and you. One time. Jake and Murph. We'll make him afraid of us. his hand for a shake :Murph: Composting is an energy-efficient way to recycle and garden. It's plenty okay. What's not okay is reneging on bets. Now what were the stakes? :Jake: It was twenty dollars. Twenty-dollar iTunes gift card. And I'm gonna pony it up. I really will. And... sucks for my aunt, 'cause she's not gonna have a birthday gift, but-- :Amir: Bull! He said he was gonna eat what was inside the compost! :Jake: Weak! :hands the compost bin over to Murph, who takes out a piece of moldy bread. :Murph: airplane noises Here comes the airplane! Bread Blue, Flight 69! :Amir: laughing Nice! :Jake: his mouth Uh, sorry, Flight Bread Blue, you do not have permission to land-- :forces the bread past Jake's hand and into his mouth. :Murph: Mmm, what's it taste like, Jake? :Jake: Limes. :Murph: Now let's get going to your aunt's shindig. I want to wish her a happy Murphday. :Jake: Murph, please don't. Please don't go. Murphy-- Brian! :Murph: into the background Where is she?!